Seat Changing

There's a specific spot I sit in at my Stats 210 class. It's the first seat of the second row near the front of the class, on the right and section when facing the front of the class.   It's was "my seat" when I completed yet failed the first time attempt at this course, and it's my seat now for my second attempt; however.........

I entered the lecture hall around 10:54am today and found some chick sitting in "my seat".  At first I thought she was from the previous class and was getting ready to leave. NOPE!   I explained to her that this seat is important to me because I need it to get the best recording. (One of my accommodations I have is the ability to do so)

She said  ok....but then tried to remind me to get to class early, or get a chair and sit in the front row.    I immediately got defensive and copped an attitude with this girl saying she just needs to stop trying to give me suggestions, and that I'm just NOT in the mood for this.

The girl said she wasn't either and was having a rough week herself.  Turns out both of us were hurting over the same thing.  Grieving and shocked by the death of a fellow female vcu student.  

When I found out she lived in the same place as the student, I just felt so guilty for being rude to her, and I proceeded to tell her how I knew this girl growing up and how rough it's been knowing she won't be around anymore. She was a bubbly, rambunctious, ball of joy!  

The girl felt bad for me, and shared condolences with me.  This girl ended up sharing some positive stuff with me, in which I traded some wisdom on doing well in stats.   (ok more like what NOT to do in stats hahaha)  


I share this little event today because I don't want to forget it.  This story of knowing that I have got to get out of my head, and start living in the world everyone else is, and not my own little selfish one I have been in for so long.  Everyone suffers, struggles, aches, fears, etc.  I'm finally coming to a place in my life where just focusing on my problems is doing more harm to me than good.

As I type this out, I think back as to all the various people I have been talking to these past several days.  I have heard of a lot of things that are hurting people, causing people anger, and others struggles that are currently in the midst of dealing with.   Being informed of all these things, has actually helped me process my own problems!  

It's tough to open up, but if you trust the person asking "what's going on?", then tell them!  Trust me, there will come a time when someone you come across whose hurting/struggling and will need you to support them just as when you let them support you!

A Short Writing Attempt

"Uncontrolable Controlling"

an original short story 

Her eyes widen with terror.  She notices her  reflection on  over a thousand of saliva coated fangs.  She begins taking slow steady steps backwards while maintaining a strong gaze into the eyes of a mob of starving wolves.  

Slowly rotating her head, she  gazes upon the endless ocean beckon behind her.  Its calm, and peaceful and ever so inviting.  The idea of gently floating on her back as the water carries her off to safer places sounds tempting, yet the cliff in which she’s standing on creates a difficult obstacle intruding on the alluring embrace of the ocean is offering.

She returns her attention back to the wolves. They creep closer and closer to her warm panicked body.  

She thinks to herself, "I can’t just let it  go!”, “It’s mine, It’s what I know, It’s always been with me”

A sharp pain pulsates in her right wrist from clutching this raw piece of meat ever so tightlly.

In the midst of her racing thoughts, her eyes catches a glimpse of a meadow. Up until that point, she was blind to the meadow. A lush, green, and warm with light.

The growls from the wolves grow louder, snapping her attention back to them. Longing to race to the meadow, the meat she holds is preventing her from safely doing so.  A forest filled with millions of dark dead twisted trees catches her gaze. A tear slides down her face.  She knows there’s nothing in the forest that will save her. Everything in the forest that she once was comforted by is gone. The meadow is a beacon of hope, but much to far away to out run the wolves to it.

Barely two feet of space separates her from the steep fall she will face if she doesn’t figure out how to get away from the wolves.

“ I could keep this steak and jump in the ocean. Or, I could toss the steak over them and attempt to outrun them in the pasture”

She finds the ocean even more tempting as seconds slip by. Though ackowledges she doubts she will clear enough distance from the sharp rocks inbetween the cliff and the wide open ocean. Jumping of the cliff she realizes with be admiting defeat against the wolves. She doesn't want the wolves to win, she does want another victim attacked by the wolves.

“There’s no way in hell I could throw this meat far enough back for me to get away!” “Even if I did, whose to say they still won’t catch up to me?!”

Brely a foot of distance now stands between her and the rocks below. 

She quietly mumbles a quick prayer, and is immediately reminded of the pigs.....

*internal monolouge*  Demons dove themselves into pigs with their approval from Jesus.  The possessed pigs ran rampantly off their cliff and descended one by one to their death taking their parasitic demon with them. 

She closes her eyes, takes a deep breath, and makes her move

*Canine whimpers are heard fading in the distance*

Lone Ranger Struggle

This weekend I went to a birthday event where you could dress up as either a cowboy or an indian.  Whatever one dressed up as, that would be the team of capture the flag they would be on.   I decided to go as a cowboy because I can’t tan even if to save my life, and I have never heard of a pale indian, and I have a shirt that says one of my favorite sayings, “This is not my first rodeo”.   BAM! perfect cowboy costume! (along with my $6.99 party city cowboy hat).  

The night began as most party beginnings start, people say “Hey, How are you”, “Wow its been so long since I have seen you!”, “What have you been up to?”, etc.   I answer the questions and then carry the conversation along by repeating the questions back to them (sincerely of course!)  And then……….I’m all of a sudden noticing I’m alone while others are in various small circles of other people chatting.   

The social anxiety side of me wants to begin spiraling downhill wondering why nobody wants to talk to me, what’s wrong with me, do they hate me, am i boring, self-conscious about wandering if others notice I’m standing by myself, along with other fears that pop into my head.

HOWEVER, thanks to the lovely help I’m getting from my psychologist, I decided to not entertain those “thinking errors” when I found myself by myself.

*pats self on back* :P

Dinner starts and I find myself eating at a table with some lovely ladies and delicious bbq.  I’m engaging in some conversations, and then dinner is over and the fun of capture the flag begins!

The game ends and again, I find myself on the outside of various small circles of socializing. 

Again?!?!  The heck!?  How does this happen?

So instead of freaking out, I try to find things to do, find songs to play for the party, visit various social media on my phone, sit and people watch, until I decide I’m tired of being alone and say goodbyes and head home.

Did I have fun yes and no.  But I’ll be the first to say that I am the reason I didn't have as much fun as the party could of been.   No one but me is to blame for my isolation.  I find small talk crazy difficult! Not that I can’t think of anything to say, but that I get super uncomfortable when I see circles of people in social gatherings.  I feel awkward if I try to slip in and be part of the circle, and yet I feel awkward if I’m just randomly standing outside of a social circle.     

I just do better one on one with people. It’s easy, and totally not awkward; however, you can’t have one on one’s with people unless you actually go to places where you meet people!     oh the conundrum…..*sigh*

So what’s a socially anxious girl to do??     

Well, just keep trying!  Not gonna lie, its easier said then done, but hey, it’s bound to have results right?!

That said,  As a way to force myself to make an effort to try and overcome/suppress my social anxiety, I plan to post more of my excursions that involve me not only just being around people, but also not allowing myself to be isolated!  

Wish me luck….

Delete delete delete!

Just finished a week long hiatus from social media!  Why? Well long story short, I was tired of allowing myself to feel jealous whenever I saw a post about good things happening to what felt like everyone but me.  

That right there is a thinking error, because truth of the matter is that no one is perfectly happy all the time.  Of course that's easy to forget when my feed is blasted with positive posts.

So I took myself away from the problem, and found that was the BEST way to help improve my state of mind!   Not gonna lie I missed it! the first day was ROUGH; however, the closer I became to the end of the week, the less and less I cared about it.

Could I have gone longer?? Sure, and one day I will, but then I couldn't share this experience with all of yall!   

That and the experience encouraged me to step back into the blogging universe! Which I have plans to update way more frequently than I have been......so stay tuned!