This weekend I went to a birthday event where you could dress up as either a cowboy or an indian. Whatever one dressed up as, that would be the team of capture the flag they would be on. I decided to go as a cowboy because I can’t tan even if to save my life, and I have never heard of a pale indian, and I have a shirt that says one of my favorite sayings, “This is not my first rodeo”. BAM! perfect cowboy costume! (along with my $6.99 party city cowboy hat).
The night began as most party beginnings start, people say “Hey, How are you”, “Wow its been so long since I have seen you!”, “What have you been up to?”, etc. I answer the questions and then carry the conversation along by repeating the questions back to them (sincerely of course!) And then……….I’m all of a sudden noticing I’m alone while others are in various small circles of other people chatting.
The social anxiety side of me wants to begin spiraling downhill wondering why nobody wants to talk to me, what’s wrong with me, do they hate me, am i boring, self-conscious about wandering if others notice I’m standing by myself, along with other fears that pop into my head.
HOWEVER, thanks to the lovely help I’m getting from my psychologist, I decided to not entertain those “thinking errors” when I found myself by myself.
*pats self on back* :P
Dinner starts and I find myself eating at a table with some lovely ladies and delicious bbq. I’m engaging in some conversations, and then dinner is over and the fun of capture the flag begins!
The game ends and again, I find myself on the outside of various small circles of socializing.
Again?!?! The heck!? How does this happen?
So instead of freaking out, I try to find things to do, find songs to play for the party, visit various social media on my phone, sit and people watch, until I decide I’m tired of being alone and say goodbyes and head home.
Did I have fun yes and no. But I’ll be the first to say that I am the reason I didn't have as much fun as the party could of been. No one but me is to blame for my isolation. I find small talk crazy difficult! Not that I can’t think of anything to say, but that I get super uncomfortable when I see circles of people in social gatherings. I feel awkward if I try to slip in and be part of the circle, and yet I feel awkward if I’m just randomly standing outside of a social circle.
I just do better one on one with people. It’s easy, and totally not awkward; however, you can’t have one on one’s with people unless you actually go to places where you meet people! oh the conundrum…..*sigh*
So what’s a socially anxious girl to do??
Well, just keep trying! Not gonna lie, its easier said then done, but hey, it’s bound to have results right?!
That said, As a way to force myself to make an effort to try and overcome/suppress my social anxiety, I plan to post more of my excursions that involve me not only just being around people, but also not allowing myself to be isolated!
Wish me luck….
No comments:
Post a Comment