November Rose

 I love Roses.  The smell, the soft velvety texture of its petals, and they're thorns.  Yes, I love their thorns.  Something that is surrounded by nasty sharpness adds in my opinion an intriguing mystical quality about them.  My favorite of all the colors found in roses come in is pink.  Those who have seen my rose tattoo can assume my love for the flower is the reason I had it done.  But that's not entirely the whole reason behind it.

                                                 

         It will be five years today that my niece Caroline died.  Caroline Rose Hummel that is.  She died of SIDS at only 2 months old.  Now to be completely honest, I had a hard time processing this death at the time of occurrence. 13 days prior I was having the time of my life with friends, and I was loving the confidence I found working at Victoria's Secret.  Too be honest,  I wasn't crazy about the fact my niece was born...but I also wasn't crazy about babies in general either at that time....my priorities in life were so off kilter.  

   

       When the funeral came around, I too my surprised shed a tear.  I felt guilty.  I quickly grabbed my (at the time) 1yr old nephew Elijah to keep me occupied.  The reason I felt guilty was because there was family that invested so much into this little girl than I did, and thus deserved way more love and uplifting than my selfish nature did.   

                     

      

   

      It's crazy how time flies you know?!? As I sit here typing this, my heart feels conflicted yet again, but for a different reason.  On one hand I am hurt that I would never get to include Caroline on the adventures I go on with Eli, and how much I'm head over heals loving being an aunt. Also being sincerely being scared for everyone who has a baby that they don't ever have to go through that. Yet on the other, I'm thankful she isn't around to witness some broken moments that have occurred within my family that are still being handled today.

     

   She is just like a rose In my mind. the thorns not only represent that pain of loss, but also the fact of the struggle of carrying on with life while having to deal with loss.  THAT is a struggle that very rarely ever ends for people, despite how many years have gone by. As for the flower itself, Caroline is protected by death.  Unlike those who are still living, we all have tainted souls.  Even her 6 year old brother (who can be kind of a punk) doesn't have a perfect soul.  But she will ALWAYS remain beautiful, innocent, pure, and lovely.  

   

    Though her early departure from this word hurts; however, because she was so young I know whole heartedly that she is in heaven.  That thought may not take all the hurt away, but it does ease some of it.

                                     

                                                           Uh-Oh loves you Caroline